If you missed my last post setting the stage for this one, check it out here. I wrote down everything in my journal when I was on the retreat, so this series of posts going through the different nights are going to be as close to how I felt in that moment as I can get. It won’t be an exact copy of my journal because I have to edit some names out and change the way I phrase certain things, but it’ll be pretty damn close. Here is a recap of ceremony 1 of my ayahuasca retreat that starts from the beginning of the day. I originally wrote this the morning after the ceremony.
Beginning of Journal Entry
I got picked up in Iquitos by the facilitator, Stace, to drive to the retreat center. There wasn’t actually enough room in the truck for me and the other 2 people I was with at the time because Stace had already picked up other members of our group beforehand, so the 3 of us ended up riding in a moto-taxi most of the way there. Once we got to the dirt road that leads us into the center, we jumped on the back of Stace’s pickup truck for the rest of the way, which was about a mile and a half. Once we arrived at the center, we got a quick tour and were told to get ready for the ceremony, which would start in about an hour.
At the beginning of the ceremony, Stace gave us about an hour-long talk to prepare us by discussing what to expect and just overall putting us at ease to let go and let the medicine do its work. Then, we were off. They burned some leaves or something that smelled good in order to clean the space before calling us up in small groups to come drink the ayahuasca.
They started us off small for the first ceremony, which was about half a shot glass’s worth of ayahuasca. A full glass is considered a full dose. For those that don’t know what ayahuasca itself is like, it’s a thick, brown, bitter-tasting liquid that gets worse and worse each time you drink it. After we took our shots, we went back to our individual mattresses and waited for the medicine to kick in. I set my intention to just be open to the experience rather than what my original plan was, which was to feel unconditional self-love.
Raul and Lydia, our curanderos, started singing about 20 minutes after we took the ayahuasca. About an hour went by since initially drinking and I still wasn’t feeling shit. I was getting nervous that it wasn’t going to work much on the first night, which they told us during our briefing isn’t uncommon. From what I could tell, nobody else was feeling anything either because I didn’t hear any purging, so at least I didn’t feel alone. Stace came over to check on me and told me to chug some water to see if that’ll help activate it. About 5 – 10 minutes later, I was starting to finally feel something.
A weird sensation took over my body. I closed my eyes and started to see rainbow colors and geometric shapes in my eyelids. It was finally working. I started feeling nauseous, so I changed my position to get ready to purge into the bucket beside me. I started breathing heavily and burping a lot, but still no purging. At this point, I could hear others in the maloca starting to purge as well. Still nothing for me. I gave up trying to throw up after about 5 minutes of this and decided to change my position to sit up against the wall. That’s when I started to feel heavy. And I mean HEAVY. I couldn’t even get myself to sit fully upright. I was just lazily leaning halfway upright against the wall at this point. I was feeling dizzy now too. It was almost like I was super intoxicated. I drank a bit more water and tried to purge into the bucket again. Still nothing. I sat back in my little sideways position against the wall and I just felt defeated. All I wanted to do was fucking purge. My sense of time was also pretty fucked up at this point, so I realistically have no idea how long I was sitting in that position until something finally started to change.
I started laughing… And not just laughing a little bit. I started to laugh absolutely hysterically. The more I tried to stop myself, the louder and more hysterically I’d start laughing. I remember opening my eyes and looking across the maloca to see a bit of light coming in from the moon. I have no idea why, but the entire scene I was looking at along with the idea that I was in the middle of the Amazon Jungle drinking a weird DMT-drink surrounded by a bunch of strangers was just the funniest fucking thing in the world to me. It was just insane to think about the fact that I was actually right there experiencing that moment. Then, I started to see the bigger picture.
I started thinking about how life in general was pretty funny. Simply thinking about the fact that we exist was a hilarious concept. The fact that I would ever worry about anything at all was funny. Why should I worry about anything when life itself is just so random? While having all of these “deep” thoughts, I was also still laughing my ass off, that hadn’t stopped.
I have no idea how long I was actually laughing for, but I couldn’t stop. I was fucking loud too. I thought about how everyone could definitely hear me, but that just made me laugh even more. I could tell that other people in the maloca were actually going through some unpleasant shit too, but of course when I thought about that juxtaposed with my laughing, I laughed even more. I kind of felt like a dick, but I didn’t care. This went on for god knows how long until I started to think about how silly I was to have ever worried about doing ayahuasca in the first place. I was overcome with joy and laughter and just a general love for life.
Then, I started to think about this girl I had recently been talking to. Without getting into too many details about her, we met about 2 and half months ago and had a very strong connection pretty immediately, but for timing reasons (which are 100% valid and I very much understand), a relationship won’t work out for us at the present moment. We’re still friends though so it’s not like we stopped talking completely, but now there’s no romantic aspect. Either way, I started to think about her. What’s ironic about that is that before the ceremony started and in the weeks leading up to my trip, I specifically told myself not to think about her… Mother Aya seemed to have other plans.
I finally stopped laughing for a second and thought about how this girl made me feel. That same joy and love I was feeling from the medicine I realized I also felt when I thought about her. Over the last month leading up to my trip, I was trying to give her space and not complicate things. In doing so, I guess I was suppressing my own feelings. Then it fucking hit me out of nowhere that I actually love this girl. And not necessarily that I was IN love with her, it was deeper than that. Just true, genuine love.
Taking a step back from the story, it’s important to note that I’ve never really been in love with someone else before. At least not with someone who loves me the same way, which I also don’t have time to get into right now. The point I’m trying to make is that throughout my life, the concept of being in love or fully loving someone romantically has never quite gotten all the way there for me. It doesn’t really matter why and it’s also not something I worry about, it just is what it is. Now, back to the story.
It just hit me that I love this girl. I start uncontrollably laughing again. Of course I love a girl and the timing is absolutely terrible. Just my fucking luck. Then I started to question whether or not I truly loved her. I’ve only known her for two and half months, this doesn’t make any sense. So I asked myself why I felt like I might love her. It’s hard to fully explain, but I just feel very understood and comfortable whenever I’m around her or talking to her. Nothing is forced and it’s easy to have deep conversations. It’s not often I feel this way around literally anyone, especially this quickly. I also questioned at this point if it even matters why I feel like I love her. If I’m clearly feeling this way, the reason doesn’t matter. I can’t deny my feelings and emotions. I have to let them be without judgement.
Then, more laughter. I thought, well now what am I supposed to do with this information? What if she doesn’t feel the same way?
At that moment it hit me that I genuinely didn’t care if she felt that same way. I don’t love her because I want her to feel the same way. Me being able to admit to myself that I loved her was enough to bring me the same immense joy and happiness I felt in that moment. It had nothing to do with wanting to be in a relationship or wanting anything from her at all. If we’re just friends, then that’s fine. If we’re more than that, we’re more than that. If we end up being nothing at all, that’s fine too. Loving her for the sake of loving her is enough for me. This is what true, genuine love feels like. I was completely detached from the outcome. I was at peace.
I sat up from my mattress. Holy shit I felt light. I stood up on my feet. Even lighter. It felt like this huge weight had suddenly been lifted off my shoulders. I went outside to sit on the deck outside the maloca, and I looked out into the jungle. I felt love, joy, and inner peace…and a little more laughter.
The ceremony was almost over at this point, but the rest of it consisted of me trying to figure out how I’m going to tell this girl about this experience when I get back, because I’m sure it’ll come up at some point. If I’m going to be authentic to myself, I have to tell her I love her, but I need to make sure I get the point across that this shouldn’t change anything about our current friendship. Regardless of how it goes, I’ll still always have this genuine love for her.
Overall, I would consider the first ceremony a massive success and definitely not at all what I thought it would be. Fuck, this stuff is powerful.
End of Journal Entry
Wild fucking first night. It’s officially been over 2 weeks since that night and as I was rewriting this on my computer, a lot of those emotions came back and made me feel like I was right back in that moment.
Here are my two major takeaways:
- Life is short, so there’s no need to worry about most things.
- I learned what true, genuine love for someone else feels like. Loving for the sake of loving. When I look back on it, I knew that this is what love should be, but I just never felt it in such an overwhelming way before. It’s still crazy to me how the medicine brought this out.
I also want to be very clear here about the difference between being in love with someone versus truly loving someone. Being in love is the feeling you get when it’s like they’re the only person you think about and then can do no wrong. You only see the best in them and want them to fit whatever fantasy you’ve created for them in your head. Being in love doesn’t last. It’s temporary. Truly loving someone is when you love them for who they are, not for who you want them to be. You don’t need or expect anything in return. They can even literally hate you, but you still have that love for them. This is what I would consider true, lasting love. This latter type of love is what the medicine helped me not just realize, but feel. I could’ve learned this lesson through anyone theoretically, but it just happened to be this girl.
Just as a quick update, I still haven’t gotten the chance to talk to that girl either. I’m also not really in any rush to do so. It’ll happen when it happens. I don’t think she reads this blog, but if she does that’ll be pretty funny/awkward.
Hope you enjoyed reading about my experience from ceremony 1. Feel free to ask any questions. Excited to share what happened during ceremony 2!