I’ve been slacking on my self-care routine lately, which is a little funny to say because isn’t the whole idea of self-care just doing what feels right for yourself in each moment? I don’t even know anymore. I’ve only been journaling every few days or so, I haven’t been getting to the gym and working out as often as I’d like, I’m straight up not eating enough food, and I just feel burnt out. At the same time, I’ve still been very conscious about giving myself grace and not beating myself up over them – or at least I think I’m doing that. Regardless, I still feel stuck. 

I woke up on Friday morning feeling like my body was made of static – stuck energy just waiting to be released. I started my morning meditation (which I, of course, have also been slacking on doing every morning) and, almost immediately, started crying. It occurred to me in that moment that there are some things I’m holding onto in my life that no longer serve me, and I need to let them go.

I feel like I’ve been stagnant. The weird thing is that I’ve also been going through a lot of changes, especially recently. I started working again, I’m exploring a new relationship, I’m going to be starting another job soon, I started writing for a new newsletter called Shroomtown with my friend Sofie, I’m changing up how I edit and record my podcast, and this is just what’s immediately coming to mind as I write this post; I’m sure there are even more things I’m changing right now too.  I even moved around the furniture in my office because I felt like that needed to change too for Christ’s sake. So why the fuck do I feel so stagnant?

The ego doesn’t like change. The ego likes comfort and predictability. Everything I just mentioned in the previous paragraph, while it may seem like I’m changing, only has to do with my external environment. They’re all amazing things by the way, but none of it has to do with my internal environment. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that changing your external environment can help spark internal change, but that can only take you so far. They need to be working symbiotically.

“When you are finished changing, you are finished”

– Benjamin Franklin

I realize now that even though I’ve made all of these strides in my life to be more aligned with my heart and myself, I’ve been operating somewhat back on autopilot again. Six months ago, if you asked me what the single most important thing was for me, my answer was easily about self-love and making sure I feel that feeling every single day. That’s how I stay aligned with my purpose – when I’m acting from a space of love. Ironically, my answer today is exactly the same, except I haven’t been giving myself the time and space to accomplish that. I’ve been back on “go, go, go” mode. I’m thinking too much about the future. This is the subconscious programming from childhood back at work. 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, but integration never really ends. The second you stop consciously integrating your experiences back into yourself, psychedelic or not, your ego will take over again and put you right back into subconscious programming mode. If you’re reading this, I assume you haven’t died yet, so your ego will continue to try to do what it already knows to keep you safe – safe enough to not permanently die at least. It’s our job to figure out whether or not that works for us to live our best lives, not to just stay alive, but to thrive. 

My life is still pretty damn good right now, I’m not going to pretend like it’s not. However, it can, and it will continue to get better. Just because everything is good right now doesn’t mean I need to cling to it out of comfort. Living in the present moment isn’t about holding on to whatever is in front of me. It’s about accepting what is and then letting it go to make way for something else, and then trusting that whatever that something else is is what’s best for me in the moment.

No matter how many times I go through changes, it doesn’t get any easier or less scary. That’s the essence of the hero’s journey – to dive into the unknown, despite the fear or whatever else might be there trying to hold us back. 

This is my recommitment to change. I have no idea what that means, but I can’t wait to find out.