I’m a deep believer that all of our dreams have some sort of subconscious meaning. I go through periods where I have very vivid dreams every night for a couple of weeks at a time. Most of the time, they’re completely random and I have trouble finding meaning. I recently experienced a dream that took place in two parts. The first dream happened about a week or two ago. I didn’t even remember it at the time. Then I had another dream over this past weekend that was a continuation of the first dream, which then helped me remember that I had the first dream to begin with.
The first dream started with me being back in school, specifically in English class. I had this big essay that I had to turn in, and for some reason, I hadn’t finished it on time. I asked my teacher for an extension, and she said I could still turn in the paper late but would get some points taken off. That was the end of that dream.
In my most recent dream, I was back in that same class, but now it was towards the end of the semester or whatever. I was scrolling through my grades and I still hadn’t turned that paper in. There were also a bunch of other assignments she gave us after that paper that I had failed to complete as well. She called me in to have a conversation about my grade. She revealed to me that if I didn’t pass her class, I wouldn’t graduate, and all of my peers would be ahead of me. Then she asked me if I even cared about falling behind everyone. End of dream.
My life is going through what most people would consider some pretty drastic changes at the moment. I’m currently unemployed for the first time since graduating college, and I’m also moving to a new city in less than 3 months. I’m putting myself out there with the blog and podcast in an industry that is still very new, not to mention illegal in the country I live. Basically, it feels like I’m betting on myself with absolutely no other plan. I’ve been telling myself that everything is fine, but deep down I’m fucking scared.
I’ve always been someone who did well in school and listened to what my teachers and other authoritative figures told me. Even if I felt depressed or unfulfilled, I could always go back to the fact that I’m at least “doing everything right,” which would bring me some temporary comfort. Well, it has finally occurred to me that even though I did everything right, the happiness I was looking for never came along with it.
My dream was pretty clear to me. I made the choice to stop turning in my assignments. I’m making the choice to not “graduate” with everyone else. I was then left questioning whether or not I cared about feeling like I’m falling behind. It occurred to me after I woke up that the only reason I’ll feel like I’m falling behind is because my teacher was the one who told me to feel that way. I’ve been conditioned to think that I’m falling behind if I’m not keeping up with my peers or progressing like they are. FUCK that.
I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life right now, but I know that I no longer want to be in the same race as everyone else anymore. I’m going to play a different game, and this time I make the rules. Even though this is my choice, there’s still part of me that’s questioning whether or not I’m making the right decision. My subconscious is trying to pull me back to “comfort” because I’ve been programmed to think that what I was doing in the past was comfortable. It wasn’t.
There is no such thing as falling behind. Everyone figures shit out at their own pace. We all know that, but sometimes it’s hard to truly believe it. If anyone or anything in your life has ever made you feel that way, then fuck them. The only thing that matters is whether or not you believe you are living in alignment with your authentic self. If you aren’t doing that, then it’s up to you and only you to figure out how to align yourself. Fuck everyone and everything else that tries to take that away from you.