I’ve been feeling relatively off lately, and I’ve been having trouble figuring out why. A quick update on my life: It’s only been a month and a half since I was laid off from my sales job and I haven’t been searching for new ones because I want to do things differently than I have in the past. I’m currently writing, podcasting, and figuring out how to live a more balanced life that’s true to myself and brings me fulfillment. 

A lot of friends and family have been asking what I’m up to. I’ve been completely honest with them about the fact that I’m not looking for a new job at the moment. This is something I probably would’ve just lied about 6 months ago. I’m trying to be more authentic and true to myself now though, and that means being honest with everyone around me. However, I still don’t enjoy being judged by people I consider close to me. 

In order to avoid some of this judgment, I’ve noticed that after I tell people what I’m up to, I immediately start explaining a backup plan or justifying why I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know who I’m trying to convince anymore, them or me. I’m putting on this false mask of confidence in order to not be judged, which was one of my defense mechanisms growing up.

Even though I say out loud that I don’t care what other people think, I still very clearly do. This is how I’m lying to myself. I’m at odds with my ego. I say one thing, yet feel something else. A lot of it comes down to the fact that I still want to be perceived as successful.

My idea of success is completely different now than it was while growing up, but I’m still kind of attached to the idea overall. The old way I viewed success is still the predominant version inside my brain. This is the classic version of success where you go to college, get a job, climb a corporate ladder, yadda yadda yadda. What I’ve now decided to do with my life doesn’t fit into that narrative. All I can do right now is get better and better at catching myself when I start to veer back into my old habits. 

I’m finally doing what I want to do, yet I still feel scared. I didn’t want to admit that. Those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive is the thing. I’m allowed to be doing what I want and still feel scared at the same time. In fact, if I didn’t feel at least a little scared, then I’m probably not growing as a person. Doing something new is challenging.

My ego is trying to convince me otherwise by pretending everything is okay. I can’t even count how many times I’ve said that it’s okay to not be okay, yet my fucking ego still doesn’t quite understand that. I’m trying to control shit again. I’ve done that my whole life without any real benefit, yet here I am trying to do it again. Not to be dramatic, but some of my instincts really suck. I understand I’m just trying to keep myself safe, but I’m not in any real danger. I never was, but when I was a kid I didn’t know any better. Control is a defense mechanism that no longer serves me. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I try to do this either, but the progress is in recognizing when I try to do this. 

I write all of this to say that the process of unlearning old habits is a difficult one, and psychedelics are not a magic fix. Psychedelics have helped me uncover a lot of these limiting patterns, but I still have to practice my self-awareness in order to make sure actually undoing these patterns. If I don’t, I’ll slip back into my old ways. Plain and simple. 

Creating habits to help with your self-awareness is critical. Some of the things I try to do every day are journaling and meditation. I also don’t beat myself up if I skip either of those for a day. Progress is never seen on a day-to-day basis, but looking back over the past couple of months and years is where it becomes obvious. I’m still figuring everything out, and that’s okay. I don’t have all of the answers, nor do I need to. My only goal is to continue to create habits that help me stay aligned with my authentic self, and that’s all I really need.