It feels a bit weird writing something like this given that I’m only 25 years old, but it also feels like the only way to let go of what I need to let go of.
A lot has happened since I did ayahuasca only a month and a half ago. Two of the biggest themes that came up during my 2nd ceremony are:
- There’s a ton of shame and guilt from my past that I carry around with me that’s accumulated over a long period of time.
- I need to forgive myself and let it go. Learning how to let it go is how I can truly and unconditionally love myself.
When I came to these conclusions that night, there was nothing specific that came up as to why I felt so much shame and guilt. Ayahuasca just showed me it was there. Over the last month and a half I’ve been doing a lot of work to figure out if there was something deeper. Typically what’s been coming up has been small events from my past that made me feel internal pain. Not even a lot of shame and guilt really. I was struggling to get to the root of why I felt this way.
Last week, something pretty specific finally came up. It had to do with my relationship with my dad. This was at least one big source of shame and guilt that I’ve been holding inside of me since I was a child. I’m sure there might be more, but this was a good start. It also explains why my dad was on my mind during my last mushroom trip as well. I see now how that was only scratching the surface.
This post is going to get very deep and vulnerable, so if you aren’t feeling that right now, maybe come back at a different time.
I need to preface this by saying that I talked with my dad about this post before I published it. It was important to me that I tell him what I’m about to write because we’ve never really had many deep conversations about my childhood. He really is an amazing dad and I can’t stress how grateful I am to have him as a father. He loves me more than anything in the world and I understand that everything he did, he did because he thought it was the right thing to do. He always acted out of love. None of this has to do with him nearly as much as it has to do with me.
Dear Younger Me,
You’re about 15 years old right now, but what you’re feeling is nothing new. You wish Dad were dead.
Every kid has thoughts about their parents dying every now and again. They think about it and they let it go. Not you though. It’s not just a “what if” type of thought for you. You truly wished that it would come true. Life would be easier if he were actually fucking dead.
He had another surgery recently and you remember the night beforehand. As you were going to sleep, you wished that he would die on the operating table. You meant it. This wasn’t the first time you had wished for him to be dead either, but this would be one of the last. Like I said, this feeling is nothing new. You’ve felt this way for at least the past 5 years.
Dad’s been disabled for as long as you can remember. In fact, you don’t really remember anything before his accident. It happened when you were only 4. The only memories you have of him are when he was on crutches and in pain. Even when he pretends to be fine, you know he’s in pain. You see it on his face. You think it’s just physical pain, but it’s emotional too. You don’t understand this yet. You won’t understand it for a while.
You definitely know he’s got a fucking temper though. He always has. The pain doesn’t give him an excuse. You never know when he’s going to go off and yell at you and Zac (my brother). It feels like it happens almost every time you’re with him too. When it does happen, you get scared. You pretend not to be, but deep down you’re terrified. You feel helpless. He makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you. You feel like you don’t deserve to be happy or loved. You feel like you could’ve done something to prevent it. You can’t though.
You’re too young to understand why he yells at you like he does. You don’t understand why he gets so fucking mad at what you perceive to be the littlest things. You’re too young to understand that whenever he yells, it’s more of a reflection of him dealing with his own emotions than it is a reflection of anything you did or how you deserve to feel. That’s why you take it personally. This manifests itself into a lot of shame and guilt for you.
You’ve been internalizing your emotions your whole life. Even when you’re happy, you feel the need to hide it. You’re especially good at hiding when you’re struggling or in pain. It was always easier to show no emotion at all than it was to show that you were hurt. If he saw you start to cry, it would usually make things worse. You didn’t want to be vulnerable. It didn’t feel safe. It felt like an emotional prison. You got pretty damn good at acting like everything was fine.
Mom’s obviously not perfect either. They got divorced when you were still basically a baby. You don’t have a single memory of them together. You’ve always wondered how in the fuck they got married to begin with. I still have no idea if I’m being completely honest. Mom at least always tried to protect you from dad. It was more obvious that she loved you. But still, you could always sense that she has some demons of her own though. She holds in a lot. She wants you to believe that everything is okay, but you know it’s not. It’s always been unsettling for you. This is probably another reason you hold in your emotions.
I know that going over to Dad’s house is tough sometimes. It’s only every Wednesday and every other weekend, but you dread it when it comes. Mom knows you don’t like it either, but there’s nothing she can do about it. There’s already been multiple custody battles in the past, but nothing has changed. You’ve cried to Mom so many times the nights before you have to go to his house. You even told Grandma one time that you wished he would hit you. That way, there would be a reason to get taken away from him. This was a common fantasy for you.
You were old enough to know that other kids had it way worse though. You knew there were other kids who never even had a dad, or that other kids actually WOULD get beaten by theirs. You almost envied them. At least it was clear why they were hurt. For you, it was all internal. It was all emotional, not physical. This creates even more shame and guilt for you. The fucked up part is that you do it to yourself. You don’t know any better.
So here we are man. You’ve been dreaming about his death for years now. You think that if he were dead, the pain would stop. The shame and guilt you feel would go away. You could finally let it out. You don’t just think about his death, you fantasize about it. You even romanticize it a little bit. Maybe everyone would finally feel bad for you the same way you feel bad about yourself. You know how wrong it is to have these thoughts too. It’s a terrible thing to wish your dad were dead. How can you deserve to be happy if you think this way? How can you deserve to be loved? More shame. More guilt. You think you deserve to feel like shit for the rest of your life.
The shame and guilt that you feel for these thoughts becomes immeasurable. So immeasurable, that you’re going to do everything you possibly can for the next 10+ years of your life to forget you ever thought this way. You’re going to bury those thoughts so deep in your subconscious that you won’t even remember they existed. The shame and guilt you feel about having them is there with you too. That’s the real weight.
This is around the time you decide to shut yourself off to love of any kind. You think you don’t deserve love from anyone, especially not yourself. At least not until you turn into the person you think Dad would be proud of. This is just another fake construct you create in your mind. You chase perfection, but not even your own version of it.
This shame and guilt that you’ve decided to carry is going to subconsciously influence every decision you make going forward. It’s the reason you’ll get your driver’s license the exact day you can. It’s the reason you’re going to get a job in high school in order to have money to pay for your own gas. That meant freedom. It’s the reason you’re going to go off to college in Ohio, even though you don’t know a single fucking person in that state. You know you need to be far away. It’s the reason you’re going to pursue startups and business. That’s what your dad is into, so if you can be successful at that maybe you can make up for wishing he were dead. You obviously don’t know at the time that this shame and guilt is why you’re making these decisions, but it is.
It’s the reason you’re going to party as much as you do. It’s the reason you’re going to binge drink so much. You’re trying to suppress your emotions. You don’t even know what it is you’re trying to suppress, but you know you’re not ready to face it.
That shame and guilt is also the reason why you’re going to start drifting away from your family. Not just your dad, but everyone. They all played a part. It’s the reason why you’re not going to get into any serious relationships. You look for lust, not love. Whenever a girl starts to actually like you, you’ll cut them off. It’s too real for you to handle. The only girls you’ll ever get attached to are either emotionally unavailable themselves, or the timing is shitty. You do this on purpose without even realizing it. You think you deserve to feel pain from the heartbreak. Deep within your subconscious, you believe you don’t deserve to be loved…
I’m writing this letter to tell you that that’s not true.
This letter is my way of telling you that what you’re feeling is okay. You still deserve to be loved. Not only that, but you need to forgive yourself. You need to let go of this shame and guilt you think you need to carry. You don’t know any better, and you’re just doing the best you can. If I could, I would go back in time to give you a hug right now and tell you to love yourself. You don’t need to carry this weight for the rest of your life.
It’s okay to let it go. This weight that you carry doesn’t define you. Letting it go doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s not going to change who you are at your core.
You’re not going to realize any of this until at least 10 years from now. You’re not even going to remember these thoughts until then. It’s honestly pretty fucking impressive how deep you managed to bury this. You’ve always been able to do things you set your mind to, at least that’s never been a problem. It’s not going to be easy to come to terms with this obviously, but you’re going to be happy when you do.
I also want you to know that it’s not all bad from here either. You’re going to make some pretty amazing friends and experience some pretty cool things. You’re not going to fuck your life up either. You’re going to get good jobs that pay well and provide for yourself without any problems. You’re going to live in some pretty cool cities and travel around to see your friends quite a bit. It’s still going to be a life that most people would dream of.
Once you make self-healing and self-love your number one priority though, that’s when your life really takes off. You become free. I can’t actually tell you much about that chapter because this is still the beginning of it. But before it begins for real, I’m going to have to let you go. That doesn’t mean you won’t always be a part of me. It just means that I no longer have to let you influence my decisions.
Unfortunately, I can’t go back in time and give this letter to you. I can, however, forgive you for everything. I can go back in my mind and retroactively give you the love I’ve been hiding from myself all these years. This is what unconditional self-love feels like.
So hang in there I guess. Everything is eventually going to make sense and things are going to get better. Just try to enjoy the ride and don’t forget to have fun in the meantime… although I know you won’t have any trouble with that part 😉
Love, Me
If you made it this far, thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and share this with you. I debated on whether or not I was even going to share this, but it almost felt wrong not to. I can’t even begin to tell you how many tears I shed while writing this. When this memory came up for me last week, it hit me like a fucking train. I truly didn’t remember that I ever felt that way about my dad. The human mind really is incredible the way it can compartmentalize things like this.
The emotions that came up during this process are feelings I’m going to have to sit with a let go many times over. That’s another thing I’ve realized during this journey as well. The process of letting go isn’t straightforward. It’s okay if you need to let things go more than once. Certain events and emotions have greater energy than others. There is no set time frame you need to let things go by. You have to do what feels right to you, and that looks different for everyone. I think a lot of people internalize feelings of shame and guilt, but we have trouble getting to the root of why. I’m certainly not done figuring it out yet either.
If you have any questions about my journey or just want to talk, I’m always happy to chat. I hope this can help others get started on their own healing journeys. It’s not easy, but holy shit will you feel better once you begin.