It’s been 4 weeks since my last ayahuasca ceremony and I still feel like I’m going through a lot of changes. This is all part of the integration process, so I don’t view it as a bad thing. In fact, I view it as quite the opposite. Ayahuasca helped me to shift my perspective about both myself and the external world in a pretty radical way, so it makes sense that it’s taking some time to fully integrate that. However, part of me felt myself trying to go back to “normal,” which is what I’m trying to avoid. It’s not that my old normal was bad, but now I know there’s something better. I’m working to create a new normal filled with unconditional love for myself and others at the core of everything I do.

I figured taking psychedelics again would be a way for me to dig deeper on the themes of self-forgiveness and self-love. My main goal was to continue to integrate the lessons I learned from ayahuasca and see if anything else might pop up. I knew this wasn’t going to be like my normal trips where I’m usually with people and just trying to have a good time. The purpose of this trip was to go deep into my subconscious and see what I could find. I took 4 grams of albino penis envy mushrooms, which is one of the strongest strains that exists. This was my first time trying this strain as well, so I really didn’t know what to expect, other than I was probably in for a wild ride. I was prepared for this. Here is how it went and what I learned:

Journey Begins

I took the shrooms at about 4:30pm at my house in Chicago. My roommates were all doing their own thing, so I knew I would have the place to myself to focus on having my own journey and not having to worry about anything or anyone else. I also decided to set an intention like I did during my ayahuasca ceremonies, which was to let the mushrooms show me what they need to show me. After ingesting the capsules of mushrooms, I went for a walk around Lincoln Park for about 30 minutes to clear my mind and enjoy the outdoors for a bit. 

The mushrooms were hitting me by the time I got back to my house. I sat out on my back patio and listened to some music while focusing on feeling whatever sensations were coming up. Things were starting to feel pretty trippy, so I decided to go back into my house and into my room. About an hour had passed at this point since I first took the mushrooms.

I threw on this spotify playlist for psychedelic therapy, layed down on my bed, put on some eye shades, and closed my eyes. I could see all of these geometric shapes and patterns forming within my eyelids. It felt like I was looking through a kaleidoscope. My cheeks lifted up to form a smile. I felt a general sense of happiness and calmness. 

Then I started laughing like I did in the ayahuasca ceremonies, but not nearly as intensely. It felt like I was back in the ceremony and connecting with mother ayahuasca again. Feelings of self-forgiveness and self-love came up and I started crying. There was a weird mixture between laughter and crying at the same time to the point where I wasn’t even sure which one I was doing, but the emotional release just felt good. It was getting intense, so I had to take off the eye shade and look around the room every few minutes to ground myself again. My entire room looked like it was morphing. The TV kept getting bigger and then smaller. The paintings on my wall were swaying. I was fucking tripping.

I got up to go to the bathroom at this point. When I came out, my roommate’s cat was chilling outside of my room. He was looking at me like he could sense that I was tripping. I walked over the couch and he followed me and started purring. We had a real moment together where I felt a deeper connection with this cat. I did that for about 10 minutes before going back into my room. That’s when shit started to get real.

It’s very hard for me to describe exactly how I was feeling at this point, but the word anxious is probably the closest I can get to the actual feeling. It was different though. I was also thinking about my dad at this time too. To give some context on what happened next, I need to mention that my dad has been disabled for basically my entire life because he was rear-ended by a drunk driver. This caused severe spinal and nerve damage which causes him to suffer from an insane amount of pain on a daily basis. He’s also had many back and neck surgeries since the accident, and actually just had another surgery the day before I decided to take these shrooms. Because of all of this, the thought of my dad dying at any given moment has always been in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. It’s nothing new to me. 

Let me also preface this story by saying that my dad is very much still alive and currently recovering from this latest surgery with no complications. Now back to the story.

I got back in my room and started thinking about my dad. Then, all of the sudden, I had this feeling come over me as if he actually just died. It fully felt as if he had left this earth and was no longer with me anymore. I literally had to face his death right then and there, and the shrooms had me convinced that this was fucking real. It was a terrible feeling.

I started crying hysterically. I’ve never actually dealt with the death of someone close to me before, which I’m incredibly lucky to be able to say. However, I know that’s not always going to be the case. I didn’t know what to do other than cry. I thought about how I was never going to be able to talk to him again, my step-mom no longer having a husband, and my two younger brothers growing up the rest of their childhood without a father. It was honestly pretty fucked up how real this all felt.

I cried harder than I can remember ever crying about anything so far in my adult life. This went on for maybe 30 minutes or so, but felt like forever. The funny thing is that as I was finally starting to calm down, I felt this sensation of calmness and peace. My thoughts shifted from not being able to see or talk to my dad to feelings of happiness for the time I spent with him. I also felt as if even though he was theoretically gone, his spirit will continue to live within the universe and he’ll always be a part of me. I realized that everyone in my life is eventually going to die, and there’s no point in worrying about that at all. Worrying about it is me causing myself to suffer.

I finally stopped crying and it felt like my trip just abruptly ended. I went upstairs to make myself some tea and debrief. The time was 8:30pm, exactly 4 hours since I took the mushrooms. That was it.

End of Journey

Basically, I went through this entire progression of what I would actually do and how I would feel if my dad were to die. Like I said before, it’s a bit fucked up. However, once it was over I was super happy for this experience. I never realized it before, but those thoughts of my dad passing have always been in the back of my mind. Holding onto something like that must have been taking some sort of emotional toll on me. That’s why this came up during this trip. I was finally able to let that go.

Going through this experience allowed me to let go of any fear or anxiety I had around my father eventually passing. It also made me feel incredibly grateful that my dad is still here. I thought about how I need to maximize the time I have with not only him, but everyone else in my life as well. We never know how long we have on this earth, but spending time worrying about death is just going to weigh you down. 

This was not at all the type of trip I was expecting. I was expecting it to be much more related to the ayahuasca ceremonies and teach me more about loving myself, but apparently I needed to deal with this. This was one of those trips that most people would consider a “bad trip.” To be completely honest, I don’t believe in bad trips. This was certainly a challenging trip at times, but healing yourself is never an easy journey. I was also in the mindset that I was ready for a deep and challenging journey. I took a fuck ton of very strong mushrooms, so this was expected. If I just wanted to have an easy trip I wouldn’t have taken so many and I would’ve spent more time outside. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… This is why set and setting are so important.

I’m excited to continue my work from ayahuasca and also integrate this new lesson about death into my life as well. I’m still working on letting go of the past in order to love myself more, which is the most important thing I think I can work on at the moment. It’s a long journey that I’m taking day by day. Hope you enjoyed reading about this mushroom experience. If you have any questions let me know!